Moving Forward

Today I vow to put the past behind. I will look forward to the future ahead and the life that I will create. God has a purpose for me and I will joyfully fulfill his purpose. In fulfilling his purpose I will enjoy the harmony that I bring to the world.

Long ago, I wrote a mission for my life and today I am determine to fulfill that dream.

I will live my life to make a difference in the lives of every person I meet.

If you could start your life over what would you do differently?

This is the age old question that people often ask you to make you reflect on the negativity in our history. I don't agree with this question for two reasons:
1) Everything in my past makes me who I am today
2) If you want to change something about your life, then change it

Let me back up a bit. Tonight I was surfing the net looking for someone to tell me how to change my life for the better. I have been in a depressive rut lately and this has been a common search. Ultimately, I know what I need to do and have even started creating a website to help others. However, the project has been put on hold because I can't get my shit together. So every few days I roam the internet in search of my "quick fix". And every night, the ending is the same. I already know how to turn my life around, its just a matter of taking charge and doing it.

Tonight, I came across a blog that asked "If you could start your life over what would you do differently?" And that's when it hit me.I would never start my life over;it is impossible. If you aren't getting the most out of your life...Change it!

You see, everything in my past makes me who I am today. I have made a lot of bad decisions and a lot of good ones. I have had people do me wrong and alter my life beyond my control. Others have helped me when it wasn't there place. All of these things have made me the charismatic person I am today. I would never go back and change these events. Be it true, I wish some of them had not occurred and I have lived things that I would not wish on enemies. However, every chapter in my life has only increased the suspense of how my story will end. (Don't worry, this will be one long novel)I would never take away from that.

If you want to change something about your life, change it! It truly is that simple. We all have events in our lives that we wish didn't occur, but we cannot change the past. No matter how much we want to "start life over"; it will not happen. All we can do is create the life that we desire and make it effective today. Not tomorrow, today! If you want more money, then start today making changes. Save money, cut back expenses and develop a plan. Take action and make it occur. If you want to be more organized; take an hour and develop your own personal system to becoming more organized.

There are tons of resources on the internet "getting it toether" including the website that I am creating with my dear friend Shannon (www.gittoday.net). However, you know what you need to do. Just do the immediate solutions that come to your head. You can research a better method after you take the first step- making the change yourself. If you don't take the initiative now, these sites will only delay your procrastination.

I am making a commitment right now to get my life in order and get out of this depressive rut. I know this will mean a lot of struggles. I have a lot of unresolved problems sitting on the table, but I am determined to get them resolved. Each day I will tackle one item off my master to do list. I will get all these procrastinated items done and begin creating a life I love!

Songs of my life

Using the title of one song I will describe myself.

Song that reminds me of my father:Elvira by the Oak Ridge Boys

Song that reminds me of my mother: Wind Beneath My Wings by Bette Midler

Song that describes my childhood:I Don't Care by Apocalyptica

Strength song:Stand In The Rain by Superchick

Depressed song:Changes by Kelly and Ozzy Osbourne (I actually like this version better than Black Sabbath)

Spiritual song:Every Breath You Take by Police

Love song: Amazed by Lonestar

"Warms your soul" song:Christmas Eve in Sarajevo by Trans Siberian Orchestra

Kick Ass song:Pour Some Sugar on Me by Def Leppord

Current location:California Dreamin' by The Mammas and Pappas

If my life was a TV show what would be the theme song:Cheers

Song describes my current love life: Miss Independent by Kelly Clarkson

Meaning in life: The Living Years by Mike and the Mechanics

Best advice: What About Now by Westlife

Crazy, just get up and dance song:Gonna Make You Sweat by C&C Music Factory

And in the words of Loney Tunes...That's All Folks!

And the search continues - total rambling

As many of you know, Manly Half and I are both on the job hunt. Thankfully, we were not let go, but rather it is our own choice. I quit due to the lengthy commute and his job, well it just sucks!

So today, I got a call from a contractor and learned he had not chosen to hire me. Prior he seemed really interested. I talked to him on the phone twice for interviews, took a personality test, and gave him my references. From the get-go he was concerned about how soon I could start because of the relocation and I think that was the killer. Still, I can't help but ponder why....Did I fail the personality test? Was it something I said? Why can't I get a job? This is the second time in a row that I have come up as the #2 candidate. Which the manly half so nicely reminded me tonight... "#2 is the first loser"...Butthole!

Then I reflect on my past jobs. I have been extremely fortunate in the positions I have held. I used to work for an ambulance manufacturer on their sales team. They were even going to let me telecommute, but I decided to become a stay at home mom. That was back in 2002. If I was still there I would be making $$$ now. My last job which I loved, was for community association property management. I was the portfolio manager's assistant. I was in the process of training to be a portfolio manager by the end of this year. However, the commute was actually costing us money. Money that we do not currently have. So another career I threw away.

I am hoping to find another property management job,but this time I am not going to settle for the first company that offers me a job. I want to stay somewhere and grow within the company. I am exhausted from the job hunting and relocations. I want to be settled and raise my family where they can develop life long friendships. That said, I don't care where my family relocates too, but this will be the last move for quite some time.

Bubbly Toes

Okay I haven't been blogging on a regular basis and I promised I would. So short and sweet here it goes....

This song rocks! It reminds me of my husband everytime I hear it. Although the lyrics are harsh it is all said in love and laughter. If you can't take a joke from those you love, then you need time for reflection. Although he has never referred to my "eyes as big as bubbly toes"...my boobs have been labelled "avocadoes in a sock". And it makes me laugh everytime. (The price you pay for having 3 awesome kids)

So I don't really have much to say, except I love this song. I guess my point is this: next time don't take a comment so personal; roll with it!

So-long Dr Pepper

Okay so the hubby has been telling me to get off the Dr Pepper soda junk because the sugar is causing a lot of my problems. I hate to admit it, but I think he is right once again. (shhhhh...don't tell him) hee, hee.

Anyways, I researched it a bit tonight and must fully agree with Dr.Bonine.

The constant consumption of pop (usually Mountain Dew or Pepsi) over extended periods of time during the day allows your mouth to grow bacteria that live on sugar. When you bathe your teeth constantly in Pepsi or Mountain Dew, the bacteria, with a constant supply of sugar, are able to grow and produce acids that lead to the decay of your teeth. This decay level is so fast that no dentist is able to keep up with it. Pepsi and Mountain Dew are referred to the most, as they are the highest in sugar and caffeine content.



What we know about sugar and caffeine is that they are both addicting substances with associated withdrawal episodes. The symptom of a caffeine withdrawal is characteristically a headache, while a typical sign of sugar withdrawal is a depressive low feeling. Studies have been performed on laboratory rats involving sugar addiction and heroine addiction. First, rats are addicted to both substances. Then, the sugar or heroine is placed on hot plates or electric shock plates that the rats have access to. Observations showed that the rats addicted to sugar were willing to undergo hotter hot plates or higher amounts of electrical shocks to have the substance they were addicted to. Caffeine goes hand in hand with sugar addiction and soda companies strive for their consumers to develop addictions to their product. Having an occasional soda is not a problem. The Agricultural Department recommends no more total sugar each day that what is in an entire 12 oz. soda. The problem is that many people pick up a six-pack or an eight pack in the morning so that they can consume soda all day long. As a result, their teeth are constantly immersed in sugar. Sugar in the body takes two hours to burn off. When someone has their first can of Pepsi it will stay with them and give them a "high" for about two hours. This is followed by withdrawal and thus the consumer reaches for another Pepsi to bring them back up to the "high feeling." Sugar has such a reliable two-hour frequency that Dr. Pepper at one time had an advertisement called the "Dr. Pepper Picker Upper." The jingle for that ad went something like, "Have your Dr. Pepper at ten, two, and four." The soda company knew that people would have their sweet roll with breakfast and then when they were coming down off of that sugar high they would have their "Dr. Pepper Picker Upper" at 10:00 a.m. and obtain a burst of energy. People would then eat lunch at noon, and by 2:00 p.m. when they were burning off that sugar they could have their soda. This would be followed two hours later by the final 4:00 p.m. soda.



The key to beating these addictions involves several factors. First off you must go through sugar withdrawal. Sugar withdrawal can be difficult, and the only way to do it is to go "Cold Turkey." To do this, you must read every food label and make sure to consume no sugar, which will perpetuate the desire to have something sweet. This must be done for two weeks. At the end of the two-week period you may find that the consumption of a 16 oz. Pepsi will leave you nauseated because your body will no longer be in the habit of burning sugar.



After the two weeks time you will need to change your diet. You will also have to do things to start helping your teeth. Peridex is usually prescribed, as it is an antibiotic mouthwash, which cleans out all of the "bad bugs" that were living off of the sugar. Over-the-counter fluoride is also recommended to help remineralize and strengthen the teeth. It is very important to get the decay on the teeth under control. If the sugar addiction is not stopped, the bugs will grow on your teeth and you will rot them out faster than your dentist can fill them.

You can read more about his findings at his website.

All of this information has led me to the conclusion I must kick the Dr Pepper habit immediately. Well, at least after I finish just this one. However,my research also told me my addiction to Dr Pepper is the sugar; therefore I must forgo all sugar products. OMG!!! Absolutely no sugar? I am going to lose it these next 2 weeks.

Okay so starting tomorrow for 2 weeks, no sugar for me. Join me on the quest and rid your body of the destroying toxin.

A day of Thanks...2 days late

This is late,I know. I kept thinking I would get a moment to blog, but I have been chilling with my family for the past two days. It has been bliss!

Anyways, Thanksgiving means a lot to me this year. Most importantly, I am thankful for all the treasures God has blessed me with and hope that he will continue to shower me with his love. Here are the quirky things that urk me, but truly would be missed if gone:
- the body heat that Mr.HardA puts off; our bed becomes a sauna by 2AM
- McFly shouts everytime he has to tell you the correct genelogy of a dinosaur
- the fact that Ms.Know-it-all thinks its faster to put 23 dots on a piece of paper, rather than using proper addition form
-Trouble stays up an extra hour after "bedtime" singing yelling nursery songs
-My mother has to call you 400 times until you answer the phone, with no regards to the fact that you may simply be unavailable
-You can talk to SD for 2 minutes about something and he will spend the next hour sharing unrealted stories from his childhood
-My sister can go from zero to bitchy in 3 seconds flat; mostly due to finding herself at age 38...you go girl!
-the dog has been whining to come inside for the past 20 minutes
-the cat won't get off my keyboard

That's the list. And let me not forget, I am thankful for you...someone who cares enough to read my blog.

Luv ya,
Martha

Funny, but so not funny

This clip really needs no comment. Lindsey Graham pretty much sums it up. I just want to pose the question: At what point do you stop being a politician and look at the good for our country?

Goodbye

I still remember that morning when my mother came into my room. She woke me up in the darkness and called my sister into the room. She sat us both down and the tears welled up in her eyes. "Your father died this morning." That was all she had to say and I began to weep. I don't remeber much about the rest of that event, but I know I screamed at God. I told him he was a butt for taking my Dad. I was sooo mad at God, but today I realized you are to blame!

How could you let him take you? I needed you, you were the one I looked to for everything. You were my world. You promised Mom, "We can make those girls!" But at nine years old I was hardly made; I was still a baby. You broke your promise; worst of all... you broke me! Why? Why did you give up the fight? Why did you leave us? Why didn't you love me enough to stay?

For years, I have laid awake at night uunable to go to sleep. I pulled the covers over my head, unable to wake up. My entire body aching with pain, my mind not knowing where the pain came from. My soul screaming to break free, but my heart silenced by the hurt. I yearned to know why I was so sad, and what I did to deserve this. Today it dawned on me; I am sad because my Dad gave up on me. He was selfish and weak. No longer will I cast the perfect picture of you because for 21 years you have broken me.

You were always protective of my sister. No man was to come near her without your approval, but where were you for me? I had men in and out of my life. Were you there as he shoved his penis in my throat making me gag; calling me his "f---ing Bitch."? Were you there as I slept with one man after another trying to heal the pain? Were you there when the man I cared about said,"It's not going to work, please give me back the ring."? Were you there when the man I have cared about most said "you are broken,fix it! If not, I am going to have to leave."? No! You were never there.

You made an effort to show up to all of her special events, but with me... You weren't around for them. My first Cotillion Dance, my football games that I cheered at, the Volleyball game that I spiked the winning point, the basketball game where I threw the ball so far it went over the goal and hit the back wall, the day that I graduated highschool, when I got my acceptance letter to the University of Arkansas, the day my first child was born, or the second, or the third, when I moved to Pennsylvania not knowing a soul, when I moved to Mexico,or even now... You are not here. Where did you go??

You went to Heaven, I know. I know that your spirit is with me, but I want to see your face. I want to hear your voice. I want a chance to say Good-bye.

I know I have visited your graveside many times, but I always had to be the strength. You left my mother broken. You left my sister broken. You left your mother broken. You left your father broken. With your death you took a piece of us with you. I couldn't heal my mother, my sister, your father, or your mother. But I must heal myself. I have 3 kids who need me; I have a husband who needs me. You will no longer continue to hurt me. I must move forward.

I love you and hope that you will rest in peace. I will remeber the memories and the joy. I will speak of you as I always have,but I will no longer be broken. I give this pain to God and he will take it away. Until we meet again, Goodbye!

August Rush - Part 1

Okay if you have not seen this movie, stop reading this post and do so right now!! IT ROCKS!!! This is my new favorite movie of all times. The theme of the movie is that music is powerful.

However, throughout the movie this orphan boy hears the music in the daily hustle and bustle of life.  It reminded me that I need to slow down in life and appreciate the music that is around me. Anyways, check it out and by the way Mark Mancina is the genius behind this music-all props to him for his beautiful talent.

Road Block

Okay so I have been working on this  wonderful program with a dear friend of mine. We are collaborating a bible study that devotes your life to making God the focus. The idea is simply, wake up each morning pray and spend time with God, reconnect with him, and let him share your purpose.

So all weekend I have been trying to write these steps down and ta-da....drumroll please...the big reveal is coming...

Nothing!

I have nothing. I have prayed, researched, and meditated on the matter. Still I can't put my words together. It is sooooooo frustrating.

Okay I am done venting and on with my day. Hopefully it will speak to me later today.

Every Breath You Take

Those of you that know me, understand my passion for music. I love it and it inspires me through every aspect of my life. I would be a singer in a heartbeat, but there is one slight problem-I can't carry on the tune to "Happy Birthday"; more less a real song.

This song is my personal inspiration because it has a lot of meaning to me. Here is why:

One night I sat in a grocery store parking lot with all 3 of my kids (ages 3,5,6 at the time) this song was in the background. It was 8PM and my kids had not eaten. I had accidently left my  purse at home. I had no cell phone, no wallet, no cash, and no gas. I was 2 hours away from home and knew noone in the area. I was 5 minutes from the Mexican border, so asking for help was not on my list of interested things to do. This song played and something moved me to go into the grocery store. On the way into the grocery store I found $2 dollars by the curb. Since this would not provide me enough gas to get home and I had heard about all I could take of "I'm Hungry, lets go home Mom!", I used it to buy my children a bag of chips and a drink.

I sat down at the Starbucks kiosk with tears built up in my eyes frustrated with the situation I had put us in. As I sat there God a woman came in and at first glance I knew she was sent to answer my prayers. I watched as my angel conversed with all the staff, obiviously a regular at the grocery store. As I watched, I heard the song play in my head "Every breath you take, every move you make; I'll be watching you."

She went about her business in the store and I continued to sit there in distress. I pondered building up the courage to ask her for help, but my pride held me back.Suddenly the lady approached me. She simply stated, "I noticed you seemed to be upset. Here is $20 to do something with the family, please take it and don't refuse." All I could do was cry and say, "Thank you!" Not only to her, but to God. Then it became clear from Him, "Every smile you fake, Every claim you stake, I'll be watching you."

                                                                                  

But I wasn't always so quick to realize God would always be there. When I was in college I lived up the party scene. Although I was fortunate enough not to fall into the drug trap; I was constantly surrounded by it. Reguarly I attended night clubs using a fake ID and got loaded with the best of them; usually drinking until I blacked out. One night I was date raped. I never told anyone because I felt partially responsible. I had taken the guy back to my apartment and although I protested several times, I was too drunk to put up a good fight. The next morning I went to deposit money in my overdrawn bank account. I sat in line at the bank, this song came on, and I looked at the large limestone Jesus carving on the church next door. I had often thought of that carving as herrendous, but this day it saved my life. It brought meaning as I sat there in dismay on where my life was going. I looked at "Jesus" thinking, "Since you been gone I been lost without a trace, I dream at night I can only see your face. I look around but its you I can't replace. I feel so cold and I long for your embrace."

It was at that very moment that God said to me,"Oh can't you see, you belong to me. How my poor heart aches, with every step you take. Every move you make, every vow you break, every smile you fake, every claim you stake; I'll be watching you."
 
                                                                              
That  next weekend I took the kids to the San Diego Wild Animal Park and we celebrated life as a family. A family that is blessed to know the Lord and blessed daily by his presence. I truly understand that life sometimes gets hard, but no matter what God is watching me.

Reply to my blog. Share some of the times that God came and tapped on your shoulder when you were feeling overwhelmed. I'm anxious to hear about them.