Goodbye

I still remember that morning when my mother came into my room. She woke me up in the darkness and called my sister into the room. She sat us both down and the tears welled up in her eyes. "Your father died this morning." That was all she had to say and I began to weep. I don't remeber much about the rest of that event, but I know I screamed at God. I told him he was a butt for taking my Dad. I was sooo mad at God, but today I realized you are to blame!

How could you let him take you? I needed you, you were the one I looked to for everything. You were my world. You promised Mom, "We can make those girls!" But at nine years old I was hardly made; I was still a baby. You broke your promise; worst of all... you broke me! Why? Why did you give up the fight? Why did you leave us? Why didn't you love me enough to stay?

For years, I have laid awake at night uunable to go to sleep. I pulled the covers over my head, unable to wake up. My entire body aching with pain, my mind not knowing where the pain came from. My soul screaming to break free, but my heart silenced by the hurt. I yearned to know why I was so sad, and what I did to deserve this. Today it dawned on me; I am sad because my Dad gave up on me. He was selfish and weak. No longer will I cast the perfect picture of you because for 21 years you have broken me.

You were always protective of my sister. No man was to come near her without your approval, but where were you for me? I had men in and out of my life. Were you there as he shoved his penis in my throat making me gag; calling me his "f---ing Bitch."? Were you there as I slept with one man after another trying to heal the pain? Were you there when the man I cared about said,"It's not going to work, please give me back the ring."? Were you there when the man I have cared about most said "you are broken,fix it! If not, I am going to have to leave."? No! You were never there.

You made an effort to show up to all of her special events, but with me... You weren't around for them. My first Cotillion Dance, my football games that I cheered at, the Volleyball game that I spiked the winning point, the basketball game where I threw the ball so far it went over the goal and hit the back wall, the day that I graduated highschool, when I got my acceptance letter to the University of Arkansas, the day my first child was born, or the second, or the third, when I moved to Pennsylvania not knowing a soul, when I moved to Mexico,or even now... You are not here. Where did you go??

You went to Heaven, I know. I know that your spirit is with me, but I want to see your face. I want to hear your voice. I want a chance to say Good-bye.

I know I have visited your graveside many times, but I always had to be the strength. You left my mother broken. You left my sister broken. You left your mother broken. You left your father broken. With your death you took a piece of us with you. I couldn't heal my mother, my sister, your father, or your mother. But I must heal myself. I have 3 kids who need me; I have a husband who needs me. You will no longer continue to hurt me. I must move forward.

I love you and hope that you will rest in peace. I will remeber the memories and the joy. I will speak of you as I always have,but I will no longer be broken. I give this pain to God and he will take it away. Until we meet again, Goodbye!